ben.parmeter

I put myself under incredible pressure when putting together a new post for this blog.  I spend ten times the amount of time I would normally put into an e-mail.   I want it to be perfect, poetic, beautifully composed, a masterpiece.  But each and every time, I end up posting my text, which doesn’t live up to my strict standards.  This feeling of anxiety over blogging grows so much that I actually talk myself out of writing anything at all.  And when I truly sit down and think about this behavior, I realize just how silly I’m being.  I’m being silly right?

Sometimes I think I should try that twitter thing that everyone is talking about.  Surely that pressure would feel about blogging would be alleviated by being forced to 140 characters per short-attention-span post.  Sure, you’ve heard about twitter right?  I doubt you could have missed it recently.  It’s name is being bandied about in the news, your co-workers, your friends and relatives.  It’s everywhere.  And yet, I have never used it.   Ever.    Just like my aversion to MySpace and Facebook, I’ll probably resist Twitter to the very bitter end.   But someday I’ll get on there.   Lured in by someone – and I may even start my own.  But for now, I’ll just keep on writing these long antiquated blog-like things.

In other news, I recently purchased “The Oregon Trail” for my iPhone.  You’re probably wondering why I would spend $5.99 on an educational game.  I think most of the kids who were in school 80′s and early 90′s are quite familiar with the original game on the Apple II.

For some of us, we had to suffer with just the monochrome green version of the game, but it sure was fun!  I’m not sure I learned much from the game, but couldn’t wait for the “action” parts of the game where you actually got to hunt for animals.  And of course, we always had someone die of dysentery along the way.

Oh, what a great game.  And now, it’s been exhumed from it’s electronic grave, heavily updated and improved and released on yet another ground-breaking Apple device, the iPhone.  And here is what it looks like.

Pretty cool, huh?  I think I’m learning more with this version than I ever did with the old version.

With that, I bid you adeiu.

Happy Valentines Day everyone! Not to be a big downer or anything, but this holiday feels cheapened by the mass commercialization of candy, greeting cards, etc.   The amount of e-mail spam I’ve received for pajama-grams, flowers-over-the-internet, and penis enlargement have really spiked over the last week.  The marketing geniuses of the world are cramming this holiday down my throat everywhere I turn.

But hey, there is a really good side to this day.  It reminds us to express our love for each other and creates a socially acceptable forum for men (and women) to show their sensitive sides.  Really, we should be letting our significant others know how much we love them all year long.  But this holiday is a welcome platform to affirm just how much we care for one another.

And you know what else, it makes great economic sense.  What better stimulus is there for a country in economic crisis than to celebrate holidays that involve spending lots and lots of money on flowers, candy, expensive restaurants, hotels, gasoline, greeting cards, sexy underwear, jewelry, teddy bears, etc.  It really is like an emergency Christmas!

Wikipedia says “The The U.S. Greeting Card Association estimates that approximately one billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, making the day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year, behind Christmas.” Wow.

So, go out and spend your money with wild abandon and do your part in this crisis.  All of this is a great segue into this clip of John Hodgman from the Daily Show last week.  I found it to be downright hilarious.  Embedded here for your viewing enjoyment.

I guess this is just part of being a homeowner… plumbing.  My patience is being tested.  Thoroughly.  While I feel pretty confident when it comes to carpentry, or electrical work, I’m woefully incompetent when it comes to plumbing.  Maybe it’s just a confidence thing, but it certainly seems to be something that escapes me.

Why all the sudden rants about plumbing?  Well, I’ll tell you.  I have recently acquired a new kitchen faucet, which I love, from e-bay for less than half the cost than a retail shop.  It’s brand new, beautiful, and actually quite simple to install.  However, before I was able to install this, I had to tackle the water valves underneath the kitchen sink.  The water valves you see, are a different size thread than the shiny new faucet.  So, it was time to replace them.   At least one of the them probably needed to be replaced anyway.  It was very old anyway and the internal rubber gaskets were actually quite deteriorated.

Allow me to just get this off my chest.  Water valves are designed in the seventh level of hell, by retarded monkeys.  (hopefully I didn’t just offend all of my readers with that statement, especially my retarded monkey readers)  They work by actually destroying the copper pipe that comes out of your wall.  Thats right, destroying the damn pipe that comes out of the wall which are, I might add, impossible to replace without paying a big hairy sweaty man without a properly fitting belt who charges $100/hour. These valves actually compress a little brass ring which squeezes the copper pipe and deforms it such that the little brass ring becomes a permanent piece of pipe jewelry.  Replacing these brass rings is not possible.  Don’t do it.  Take my word for it.  Because no matter how careful you think you are, you’re gonna bend that pipe and then, you will never get a tight seal.  Leak city.

I have spent two evenings and an entire morning on awkwardly crammed underneath the kitchen sink, arms reaching around pipes, cursing and grunting.  Valves!!.  I had to take a break – for fear that my anger would take over and I would go on a pipe-wrench rampage underneath the kitchen sink.

Curse you valves!! Curse you!!!

It was around 9:40PM when we got the call at the house.  Suzy and I, and my parents-in-law were all enjoying a late dinner on Christmas Eve at their home.  Warm and comfortable, sipping mulled wine, we were interrupted by the ringing phone.  The phone call was for my father-in-law (we’ll call him ‘Dan’ to protect his identity), who works at a nearby grocery store as the head clerk.  It was the alarm company that monitors the security system for the grocery store.  Apparently, the entrance door sensors had been tripped, somehow.  According to Dan, this is not uncommon to have false alarms at the store.  And so we decided to put our jackets and shoes on and head over to the store to investigate (I offered to tag along so that he wasn’t alone).

Within minutes, we were slowly driving past the front doors of the building, looking for any abnormalities.  It was then, when we spotted that indeed the southeast automatic doors were slightly open, maybe an inch or so.  Dan remarked that he had locked the secured the doors himself, and this was definitely not normal.  We parked and walked up to the front of the store.  As we strolled up to the doors, the local police were also starting to arrive.  Without touching the door, we notice that the latch mechanism appeared to be intact, but the door itself appeared to be damaged.  It seemed if someone had pried the doors apart.  But why had they left the doors closed?  Did they go inside or were they deterred by the security monitors that are clearly displayed in the front of the store?  Instead of investigating any more, we decided it would be safest for the police to do a sweep of the store to make sure that the criminals weren’t still inside.  As more policemen arrived, and a K-9 unit, they finally began a sweep of the store.  I found all of this extremely fascinating and the adrenaline was coursing through my veins.   I barely noticed the cold air of the night as I stood, riveted, watching the police sweep the building.

After about thirty minutes, the police emerged from the front door, after clearing the store.  It seems the would-be thieves were long gone.  Dan spoke to his manager on the cell phone and subsequently to the police giving a report of the times that the store was closed and when the alarm was tripped.  The police evidence officer was on his way, as well as the loss prevention team from the store’s corporate office.

We decided to enter the building and see if we could determine what the robbers had done inside the store.  I strolled in after Dan and the police officers and started looking around for anything out of place.  The first thing we noticed was the self-check registers.  They had been opened and all cash removed at closing time, due to a corporate policy.  The doors on the machine were wide open, displaying the machinery inside.  The intent was that if any robbers did break into the store, they would not damage the machine trying to get into the cash trays.  This policy paid off for the store this night, as the robbers had removed two of the cash trays before realizing that they were empty leaving them splayed on the floor.  As we scanned the row of registers, nothing seemed amiss, until I came upon the first register which had the entire cash drawer ripped from the counter, and lay unopened on the floor.

It was at this time when the loss-prevention team arrived at the store to assess the situation.  We showed them the damage to the door and the registers.  And to my joy, they allowed us to follow them up to the security room where they had a row of monitors and three large digital video recorders.  I was in awe of the technology in the room.  It was surveillance that would make even a Vegas casino blush.  Well, maybe I’m getting a little carried away.  But it was very impressive to a novice.  The clarity of the digital video was superb and the amount of cameras and angles covered was mind boggling.  Based on the time the alarm was tripped, we were able to dial back the video at an instant to the approximate time of the break-in.  And very quickly they were able to locate the precise moment that a blue sports car pulled up and deposited two masked men in front of the store.

These guys knew exactly what they were doing.  We watched as the two thieves sauntered up to the front of the store with a crowbar in hand.  They popped the doors open with surprising ease with one swift move.  As they pushed the doors open and stepped inside, we could see that they were wearing black ski-masks which covered their nose and mouths, obscuring their identity.  They also wore gloves which would prevent the evidence officer, who was fastidiously dusting for prints at this very moment, from finding any fingerprints of the robbers.  Smartly, the sports car which dropped them off also sped away.  The loss prevention guy who was working the security systems, said “Maybe we can get this guy’s license plates with the outside camera”.  His fingers moved deftly over the controls as he brought up different angles of the outside.  Dialing back a few seconds, the main camera out in front of the building just misses the plates on the car.  However, interestingly the burglars getaway car driver was very shrewd and drove off into the distance facing the store with headlights on obscuring any chance of the cameras catching the plates.  Hopes dashed, the loss prevention guy tried to dial back the tape before the crime occurred to see if the same car could be seen in the parking lot.  Sure enough, about five minutes prior, the same car looped around the building, casing the joint.  This time it was close enough to get a good view – there may still be a chance they could get the plate numbers.

We continued to watch the video of the robbers as the walked into the store and with the focus of trained criminals, went straight for the self-checkout machines.  Since the machines were already open, they easily grabbed the money trays from the cabinets underneath the machine.  They quickly realized the trays were empty and then moved along to the cash register.   One of the thieves ripped the cash drawer from under the counter.  With the locked drawer on the floor, he used the crowbar to attempt to bend open the locking mechanism.  Either thwarted by the lock or after discovering the drawer was empty he gave up and both thieves casually walked back to the same door that they had previously pried open.  Surprisingly, they made sure the door was as closed as possible before dashing around the back of the building to meet up with the getaway car.  What a couple of gentleman.  The “Gentleman Robbers”, I will call them.  They were in and out of the store within 90 seconds, and though empty handed were focused and professional while doing their work.

And after fixing the lock and securing the store we called it a night and headed back home.  The adrenaline was starting to wear off and after another mug of mulled wine we retired to bed and slept so as to allow Santa to come, breach our security and deposit some gifts under the tree.  I will not soon forget this Christmas Eve.  It was exciting and saddening at the same time.

Finally, the music websites that I frequent are starting to eke out the “best of 2008″ lists.  Pitchfork silently rolled out their top 100 albums of 2008.   And my favorite on-line radio station Woxy.com finally released their 97 best of 2008.  They also released their DJ’s fav albums of 2008 which I found more interesting, because I typically agree with Matt Shiv’s list.  This year, maybe not so much.  But I did obtain copies of Mason Proper and Ra Ra Riot’s latest albums and I must say I was pleasantly surprised.  Too bad I missed these when they were released.  Hey, better late than never.

In other news, look, someone else cares about the light bulb issue that I previously ranted about.  Looks like LEDs are going to take us by storm.  Please, please, please provide me with cheap LED lights now, Mr. Free-Market.  This article tends to a have a flair for the dramatic saying “…what could be termed a benevolent tsunami, an irresistible wave, a solution to many global challenges currently faced by humanity…“  Let’s hope so.

Driving home from soccer this morning, I noticed that someone had a bumper sticker that said “Dissent is Patriotic in a Democracy”.  And it got me to thinking, while I whole heartedly agree that dissent is healthy to our nation, we are technically not a Democracy in the classic sense.  Did you know that?  (or was I the only one asleep in my 10th grade social studies class?)  Did I just blow your mind?   Here in the United States of America we have a constitutional republic.  Still some would argue that we still live largely a democratic system.  Anyway, the author of that bumper sticker probably lived in ancient Greece where they had a true direct Democracy, yeah, that’s what it probably was.  And… discuss.

I kegged a beer for the first time this weekend.  The process took me less than an hour and was far, far easier than bottling.  I’m still a bit iffy about the whole force carbonation thing – I mean, not having done it before I’m struggling with the physics of it.  I mean, really?  You can just hook up CO2 to a sealed keg of flat beer and it will just carbonate?  Well, apparently yes – and apparently there is all kinds of cool sceince behind this too.  The colder the beer, the better it will absorb the CO2.   And for different types of beer, there are different temperatures pressures to set your rig to, to achieve that perfect level of carbonation.  And after about 2-3 days it’s supposed to achieve good “lamination” where the CO2 literally is layered in the beer so that it doesn’t go immediately flat after dispensing.  This hobby really does blend together two outstanding things, science and delicious beer.  Can it get any better than that?

Speaking of science, our president-elect and savior, is establishing a stronger scientific team – breaking from the Bush tradition.   Quote “The president-elect warned that promoting science is “about ensuring that facts and evidence are never twisted or obscured by politics or ideology,” an apparent reference to the Bush administration’s response to research on global warming.”  This makes me really excited for the future of this country.   Thank goodness we have someone that will be making good, scientifically sound, intelligent decisions for this country.  And even before he takes office!   What a super guy.

I was the lucky recipient of a “Magic Tree” which I obtained recently at Holiday White Elephant gift exchange.  I decided to grow the magic tree and do a photo essay of the results.  Here are the results, enjoy.

Click the first image and navigate through to the end.

Verdict: Magic Tree = Awesome.  Not 100% as awesome as the packaging makes it out to be, but still pretty darned cool.  We’ll give it another day to see if it can achieve the luster of the tree pictured on the package.

Just yesterday, I took an intermediate brewing class which covers everything from partial mash brewing to creating your own recipes and coincidentally, kegging.  You see, my good friend Anthony out of the goodness of his heart has given to me, free of charge, his old kegerator with the CO2 system and tap.  And I have spent the last few weeks converting it for home-brew use.  I picked up a couple of corny kegs from the cheapest brewing store on the internet, also tubing and the necessary connectors.  And I even picked up a full sized “John Courage English Ale” tap handle from Ebay for $5 (new it costs over $40!!).

I’ve got a beer fermenting right now, queued up to be kegged.  And thankfully, now I know roughly how to keg to get the right carbonation and all.  I’m pretty excited to put it all to use.  Just another week and I’ll get the new beer all kegged up.  It should be drinkable in just a few days after that.

A big thanks to Anthony for starting my holiday season on a bright note.  Here’s some pictures of my new toy:

Update: I should note that it was through the thoughtfulness of my impossibly awesome wife that informed Anthony of my desire to get a kegerator.  She deserves her share of the credit for this holiday miracle.  I love you tons!

Folks – I just had to share this little article I read today.  Scientists were actually able to extract an image from someones conscious mind.  Check this out! It’s straight out of science-fiction.  Man, if they can perfect this, it will only be a matter of time before I can watch my dreams like they were movies projected on an imaginary screen (which I first fantasized about when listening to Built to Spill‘s “Car”).

Speaking of tunes, I’ve come across another potentially great band called Late of the Pier.  They certainly know how to make a great music video.  And where are the top album lists of 2008?  Pitchfork, Woxy, Dave… I’m waiting.

Until next time.

Short post today.  How many blogs does it take to install a light bulb?  On second thought, no light bulb jokes today.

Just the other day, I noticed that our front porch light had burned out, again.  In a rare burst of efficiency I decide to replace this burned out bulb as well as another bulb in our hallway that had recently burned out.  Our hallway light, unlike our porch light, is a compact fluorescent light bulb (CFL) which is part of our general plan to replace all of our light bulbs in the house with these energy savers.  I had always assumed these bulbs would last much longer than standard bulbs – I guess I’ll learn to make those kinds of assumptions in the future.

My front porch fixture contains a light sensor which slowly turns on the porch light automatically, at night, and is supposed to turn it off during the day.  Unfortunately, the way CFL’s are designed, with a ballast that alternates current through the fluorescent gases inside, it doesn’t take well to the sensor mechanisms.  Any CFL bulb I’ve attempted to install flickers worse than a strobe light at a rave.  So I continue to stock the old filament style light bulbs for the porch.

All this light bulb installing got me to thinking.  Light technology really hasn’t improved much over the last 200 years.  I mean, we’re basically using the same method of passing enough electricity through a filament, until it heats up enough to emit light.  Come on folks, this is just a couple of steps away from candle technology!  We can do better.

Maybe we can do better with LED technology in the future.  I’m not holding my breath.

I know, I’m a giant slacker, I’ve been in Japan for a week and I haven’t uploaded any posts or photos or anything. Sorry internet… here’s a little something.

Just twelve hours on a plane is all it takes for me to get to one of the most amazing cities in the world. This is my second trip to Japan and I have to say it is just an incredible place. Everyone here is so polite, serious and happy all at the same time. At least that is what it appears from the outside. Tokyo is squeaky clean. The city is immaculate, safe, and awe inspiring. I have no problem walking the streets late at night – and feel 100% safe at all times. It’s an odd feeling for me, coming from the US where in a big city like this you would need to be careful which streets you strayed to at night, lest you be robbed, raped or killed. But here, in Tokyo, there is a sense of complete safety. Perhaps I am being naïve, but thus far everyone I have talked to feels the same way.

Being basically stuck in the center of Tokyo, next to the Imperial Palace, we really see nothing but prosperity. With everything that we hear the states about the struggling economy in Japan we see no evidence of this at all in this bustling metropolis. Expensive cars, business men in suits, super high-end brands everywhere. Today we traveled outside of Tokyo proper and into the suburbs to visit a customer outside the city. From the windows of the train, I can see seedy underbelly that most travelers do not get to see. I saw people living in makeshift houses made out of blue tarps and scraps of wood and metal. It’s not rampant, just occasional and very noticeable. It’s evident that the economy actually has impacted this country. I’ve got to hand it to the people of Japan – they hide it well.

My visit is bitter sweet, because, I am indeed here on business and we are working 90% of the time. This makes it pretty difficult to get out and sight see during the day. Fortunately, we did have an entire day to do some touristy things on Monday because of the local holiday here. But since then it’s been work, and meals, and back to the hotel. And to make matters worse, I picked up one of the local viruses which started with a fitful night with a stuffy head and sore throat. It’s been lingering throughout the week. It’s been hard to get out of bed in the morning, get the suit and tie on and go to work. I’ve been muddling through, but I can’t help but to long for my own bed back in the states.

Yesterday, we visited a customer in Yamato. One of the engineers that we work with took a couple of us to a bar in Yokohama called Cheers which is basically a beer bar that carries a wide selection of European beers. After sampling a few good Belgian and German beers, we moved onto another more intimate and, to me, more fascinating place. Our host led us to what appeared to be a multi-story apartment building. However, on the third floor, after climbing a tiny stairwell, we discovered the Thrash Bar (I am not completely sure about that name, but it was something to do with Thrashing). The bar was literally, only 10 ft. deep by 25 feet long. Enough room for the physical bar, and eight bar stools. They carried a pretty nice selection of Japanese beers and strangely enough a wide selection of California beers. Behind the bar was a TV playing DVD’s of German Heavy Metal bands, and our extremely friendly bar-tender who had a very good grasp of English. What a great beer-soaked evening it was; new friends and great times. I’ll definitely do this again, if I ever get the chance.

As you read this, I’m likely on my way home or have already returned. I’ve posted to photos in the gallery, here.

Sayonara for now.